Draco's Contemplations
by ellieslytherin
Summary: Draco's stream of consciousness while he is in the hospital wing after Harry performed the Sectumsempra curse on him in The Half-Blood Prince, and is thinking about the task that Voldemort has set him. A one-shot that tries to expose the internal monologue of this complicated character, and explain his reasons for acting the way he did. Warning for language.


Hey readers, this is the first fic that I ever wrote, I've only just got round to uploading it, so feedback will be greatly appreciated!

I don't own anything!

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It's disgusting.

I don't want it there. I can feel it, moving, writhing under my skin, and it sickens me. I want to claw it out, rip my skin open or just cut my whole arm off, I don't care! I just want it gone.

Why was I so amazed when I noticed father's Mark for the first time? I felt… respect? And longing? I wanted to be just like him… he filled me with so much awe, I thought I could be great and powerful and respected just like him. But this… this doesn't feel great! This Mark just brands me as a slave to another! To show that I have to do whatever he says! _Whatever_ _he says_! Even if it's… killing…

No. This is all wrong. I'm not ready for this. I just wanted father to be proud of me, the same way that Dumbledore is always so pleased of that sickening Potter. The same Potter that nearly killed me. The same hateful Potter that sent me to this hospital wing, and yet still holds the respect and admiration of most of the wizarding world! Everyone thinks he's so kind! And lovely, and courageous, and _good_! The exact opposite of me.

They don't know his true side. If they looked closer they'll see that he's just as insufferable, just as angry, just as… damaged… I hate him! All the praise that was heaped upon him for something he did as a one-year old! Something he can't even remember! Something he had no control over! All that attention, all that reverence, all that love, given to him immediately, before he had even learned how to talk. And yet, here I am, with a mutilated, fucked-up, Darky Marky arm, being forced to agree to kill an old man, just to get my Father to fucking notice me!

It. Is. Not. FAIR! All Potter gets is love, love, love and praise, praise, praise. All I get is two parents that view me as a major disappointment and criticise every step I take! How did you let a Mudblood beat you in your exams, Draco…? Are you incapable of befriending anyone other than those two dunderheads Crabbe and Goyle…? The company you keep is an embarrassment, make friends with people that are actually going places! How did Potter manage to catch that snitch before you when it was flying right in front of your face, you insolent boy…? Eurgh, the memory of how dangerous his eyes looked that day, how he twirled his cane around his hands menacingly… reminding me AGAIN just how much he had spent on all those Nimbus 2001s…

No. Let's not think about that right now.

I need to focus.

He chose me to do this. Because I'm special. Father always made that very clear. Because I'm a wizard, because I'm pureblooded, because I'm a _Malfoy_… I've been given this job for a reason. Me. My job. It's what I need to do.

If I don't do it… he's not forgiving. He's not merciful, he's not understanding. He'll be angry. And he'll kill me. And probably Mother and Father too, just to make a thorough job of it. The Malfoy name will be dishonoured.

I can't let that happen. I don't want to die. Not really. I mean, I've thought about it, sure… but that was only thinking, I didn't mean it, did I?

Kill him or don't kill him, either way, someone dies. It's just, if I don't kill him, I risk Mother and Father being killed too. And let's be logical here. Dumbledore is an old man! He doesn't have that much life left in him anyway! And he would prefer this really, anyway, right? He wouldn't want me to die for him. I mean, he's a _Gryffindor _after all! Aren't they supposed to be kinder, nobler, more loved and generally better than us Slytherins? He'd want to sacrifice himself for me and be a hero! Gryffindors have no sense of self-preservation! He even _encouraged _Potter, Weasley and the Mudblood to risk their lives on pointless heroics, I'm absolutely positive that he would rather die for me.

Yes. He would. This is the right thing really. It's not like I want to do this! It wasn't my decision to kill him, it was The Dark Lord's! Dumbledore was such a fool to let an obviously evil, power hungry and murderous student continue studying at Hogwarts, this was inevitable really. It's his fault for being an overly trusting idiot!

I'm only a puppet. I'm just doing what I've been ordered to do. It's not my fault at all if I kill him. The Dark Lord would just get someone else to do it if I didn't. And there will be repercussions for me and my family. So, really… this is best for everyone. Right?

Right. So, no more poorly thought out schemes. This is it. I'm going to do it. Properly. Tonight. Face to face. Now. Come on. You've already gone as far as to sort out the vanishing cabinet and give access to all of the Death Eaters… you might as well just follow through Draco! You can't back out now! It's too late! I'm going to get this thing over with. Am I? Aren't there any other options?

I could… I could run away. But that would just make everyone think I'm even more of a coward than they already do. I'll have to leave everyone. Be completely alone. I don't know how I'll survive… where I'll live… I've had everything provided for me my whole life, I wouldn't last five days! He'll find me anyway. And kill me. And get someone else to kill Dumbledore. So we both end up dead. So that's completely illogical anyway.

Unless… I don't want to live. There is another option. I never wanted this life. I don't know what's going to happen. Or who's going to win this war. If we lose… it'll be Azkaban. There's no way Father will be able to worm his way out of there this time. We'll be sent there straightaway. To the dementors…

And if we win? If we win, it'll be a lifetime of servitude to _him_. Having to do whatever he says _again_. More deaths, more murders, I don't know if I'd be able to justify killing any more people to myself. I'll go crazy. I wouldn't be able to hide the guilt, and he'll see right through me, he'll know that I'm weak, that I'm scared, that I'm a child who's just not ready for all of this. He might get rid of me.

I don't like either of those outcomes. So maybe, maybe living isn't the right way to go. Argh, why won't my hands stop shaking? I need to think about this clearly. If I make it look like an accident, then no one will even be able to accuse me of being a coward, or from running away from the Dark Lord's orders. I could go down to the lake… but no, drowning doesn't seem like a very appealing way to go, I want it to be quick and painless, but I can't just Avada Kedavra myself, they'll know it was me, it needs to look like an accident!

Wait, what happened to that conceited idiot Lockhart in second year? He tried to perform a Memory Charm on Weasley and Potter, right? Yeah… and his wand backfired… maybe I could try and make my wand do the same? But I don't know how. Weasley's wand was snapped. Could I possibly snap my wand too? It's so temperamental though, it might not work!

What am I doing? What am I thinking? I can't seriously be thinking about this? I don't know what to think anymore. I just want this to end. There's no way out. This is the only way. But is it really what I want? No! Of course it's not! I don't 'want' any of this! If it were up to me, I'd be Potter! I wouldn't have to worry about any of this shit! I'd be popular and loved and admired and everybody would want to be friends with me and praise me and tell me how totally awesome I am and… ah…

But I'm not Potter. I am a Malfoy. I am destined for a different life entirely. It's already been decided… by my parents, and by _him_… I don't have any say in what I'm going to do with my life.

But that's assuming I _do _do anything with my life. If I continue living. I don't have to. I can control that. I still have the power to die. No one has taken that away from me yet. It seems like one of the only things I have power over at the moment.

So, apart from being Potter, what do I want? Maybe I could try to accio a rocketship and make a new life for myself on Mars… no, let's be realistic Draco, that's not going to work… I honestly don't know what I want anymore. I can't think clearly, I can't decide what to do; I just want it to end.

Maybe I could let my wand decide. I said it was temperamental, right? The whole backfiring thing? Maybe that's a good thing. I could snap it until it's hanging just by the unicorn hair, and then Sellotape it back together like Weasley did in second year? Then there's a chance it will backfire… and a chance it won't. I won't have to make the decision. My wand will. It will be down to chance. I won't be the one who kills Dumbledore, or myself, it will just be my wand's fault!

Yes. I like this idea. I've already managed to justify killing Dumbledore. And myself. It doesn't matter which one. I'm too numb to care right now. I just want this to be over. I want it to be over.

If I die, then I won't have to worry about any of this anymore. And the Dark Lord won't take it out on Mother and Father, because it will seem like I intended to follow his orders all along! And if Dumbledore dies… well, then I've done what he wanted! He's going to die anyway, if I don't do it he'll get someone else to. Maybe that will be enough to satisfy him. Maybe he won't make me kill again after that. Maybe I'll die in the war anyway. And I won't have to feel guilty… because really, it could have gone either way, my wand would have decided for me!

Hmm, will it work if I just accioed some Sellotape? There must be some around here in one of these cupboards…

"Accio Sellotape!" oh yeah, it worked! Ok then, let's do this. I'm sure if I do live someone will be able to fix it for me, right? Come to think of it, why didn't any of the teacher's fix Weasley's for him? Oh well, doesn't matter, here goes nothing…

No. I can't do it.

I can't. I can't I can't I can't!

Why not?

Well… it's not because I'm weak or scared or a coward. What's so bad about being a coward anyway? I'd rather be a live coward than a dead hero thank you very much. Bravery is just another word for stupidity.

Oh Merlin what am I doing? It'll be fine. It'll be fine. I'll be fine. I'm going to stay alive. Yes. I'm not going to die. It'll be fine.

I don't want to do this. Can't I just stay here in the hospital wing? Or I could buy a whole dozen invisibility cloaks, set up a fort of the in the ForbiddenForest… put up a load of wards and silencing spells and stay there? Please? I can't deal with this. This is too much… I can't do this!

Oh shut up Draco! Stop being so weak. You've already come so far. You can do this. You can do this. I can do this. It'll be fine.

Oh, I'm standing up… when did that happen?

Shit. No. I don't want to die. Shit. Shit. I don't want to die. Draco, you're not going to die. It has to be Dumbledore. He has to die. Not me. I'm not thinking about myself at all, no, of course not, I'm thinking about Mother and Father, they'll be so upset! They'll probably be absolutely livid with the Dark Lord and do something really reckless and stupid against him, and he'll never forgive them! He'll kill them! You're just going to point your wand at Dumbledore, say the words, and it will be over.

Wait, maybe I should just snap my wand. I don't want to make the decision myself. I want more time to think about this!

Oh Merlin I really haven't thought this through properly. Shut up Draco of course you have, just listen to yourself, you've been thinking of nothing else! Think properly! I am fucking thinking properly!

AAAAAAARRRGHHH! "SHUT UP!" Oh shit. Did anyone hear that? Draco, you need to go anyway. The Death Eaters are coming. You don't have a choice. You need to get this over with. You need to act brave. You can't let the Dark Lord see weakness. You've been very logical. You've thought it through well. No more delaying. The Death Eaters will be here any minute. You need to get moving. You need to do this.

Dumbledore will want to die for you anyway. And logically, it makes sense, because he's older than you. And why do you care about him anyway? You need to look out for yourself. Oh, and, this isn't your fault, this is The Dark Lord's fault. Everybody said it was him that killed that stupid Hufflepuff boy in fourth year, even though it was really Wormtail. So this is no different, right? Because I'm just following his orders. It's not really me that is going to kill him, it's the Dark Lord. Yes. That makes sense. I don't need to feel guilty. I just need to get this over with as soon as possible, to save my life and mother's and father's. And then maybe he'll leave me, I mean… us… alone.

Ok. I need to do this. Oh, I'm walking towards the door… ok… this is fine. I can do this. Just don't think about it. It's time to stop thinking. Draco, stop thinking. Just focus. Focus on what you have to do. Focus on the spell. Ok. I can do this. I said stop thinking. Shut up, you know that's impossible. Ok. I'm outside of the hospital wing… Shit.

I'm fucking scared.

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